threshold

It’s that in-between time when summer is past, but autumn is not yet in glory.  An in-between time for me too.  For the first time, I am restless; but there is still a strong sense that it is too soon, too soon to make space for tension or to choose to think.

So I spent the morning at the botanic gardens, looking at the butterflies.  Later, I will go to the shops, then do some washing and bake a cake.  Tomorrow too, I suspect.  But next week?  Well, maybe it’s time.  A book?  A thought?  A brief consideration of how to use the jubilee year?  Perhaps.

lion cub

‘There it is,’ he thought, as he grabbed the rail and leant out towards the water.  A dandelion seed drifted past, tempting, perfect and out of reach.  He watched as it settled on the reeds below, sharp swords against the silky water.  It was beautiful.  He liked it here, by the river.  And he didn’t often get to play this long, or this close to the water below.

‘These railing are good.’  Shiny and black.  Just the right height too.  He glanced around to see who was watching, and then hooked a knee over the bottom rail.  His other leg began to swing.  ‘I wonder what if feels like to fly, to drift on the wind and get caught in the reeds’ He leant as far over the water as he could and reached towards the light.

A slip, a swing, and he’d have learnt what it meant to fly. Briefly.  Before crashing horribly into the river, eight feet below.

I got out of the car, and stayed by the curb.  ‘Hello.  It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?  Are you all alone?’

A lion turned to face me, beautifully striped, except where he’d rubbed the paint off his nose.

He wasn’t sure what to do.  ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ fought nobly with his natural curiosity.  Curiosity won, and he took a step towards me as I let go of my breath in relief. I spoke so my voice would carry, so that someone somewhere might think, ‘where is my child?’.  And finally, I saw her.  A young grandmother dressed in red, struggling with  Little Brother at the far end of the path.

We both walked towards her.  She looked at me, and then at him and said, ‘have you been a naughty boy?’

‘No, not at all.’  I said.  ‘He was just looking at the river.  But it wasn’t safe and there was no one watching him.’

The words were neutral, but the tone was not.  She must have heard what I was thinking:  ‘It was you, madam, who misbehaved.  You, who might have lost him forever.  He is just a cub wanting to play, spying the tall grass.’

He froze and tucked his head; and in that moment a degree of innocence was lost.  He learned well and fast.   To chase a dancing seed and to dangle over the river makes you a naughty boy.  To dream or to fly might make people angry.  Best not. The confusion stung more than the rebuke.

Why was it wrong to follow beauty?  Why shouldn’t he float between heaven and earth?  There was no telling.  But for now, he will learn not to ask.  He will gradually conform, and walk further and further from the edge until he learns to close his eyes to the world around.  But one day, one day, he might be lucky again.  Sunlight will catch on the water and a silken seed slip by.  And he will remember:  I was a lion once.  I thought I could fly.

remembering the unremarkable

I feel embarrassed every time I talk about what it was like that day.  I know it is a non-story.  Uninteresting.  Unimportant.

Yet every once in a while, I find myself speaking of it, embarrassment overcome by compulsion.  So it was today.  I remembered it was September 11th, and instinctively switched on the radio to make sure that no new corner of the world was burning.  Then the memories came, so strong I missed my turning and tasted bitterness in my mouth.

I remember sitting with those who had loved ones in the air,
worrying, wondering, waiting.
I remember the way the tower shimmered before it fell,
beautiful, terrible, incomprehensible.
I remember the sudden intake of breath as we sat on the convent roof
and heard a plane overhead when all were grounded;
the vulnerability of the city exposed.

Most sharply of all, I remember the stretching and folding of time as I drove home.  The highway barren, save for a few erratic drivers going 80, then 40; not meaning to have changed speed at all.  We none of us should have been driving — confused and distracted, the concept of safety lost.

Somewhere along the line I found myself riding with a grey volvo, holding steady at 60.  I’m not sure who started it, or how we knew, but we began to take turns leading.  One of us would set the pace so that  the other rest in the illusion of a stable environment.  When concentration wavered, we would swap; leading, following, remembering, forging ahead.

We played leap frog all the way to Hartford, then waved goodbye as I peeled off on I-91.

It is a non-story, uninteresting and unimportant.  But it is also the truth of that day:
two strangers meeting in silence, learning to work together in order to survive.

requiem aeternam dona eis, domine

an unexpected turn

As unlikely as it seems, I seem to be channelling the spirit of June Cleaver.

That might not be so surprising to anyone who knew me in high-school, but for anyone who saw my rectory in Dunblane…

Today was Wash Day.  And (pace, June) since I have a modern wonder of a condensing drier, what made it Wash Day was that it was raining.   There were mountains of sheets and towels and clothes,  hillocks of hand-washing, and an iron hoping to preside over it all.

All day, it was up the stairs, down the stairs, water whooshing, drier buzzing, cat twitching and standing guard against transgressors at the bus stop.

And while it all went on, I sat at the table, surrounded by cookbooks and planning menus.  I love cookbooks.  And it seems that everyone I’ve ever known is hoping to visit me in Durham, so I had the perfect excuse to play all day, pretending it was planning.

Tomato bisque with soft rolls and camembert.

Chilli with glazed butternut, crunchy slaw, and chocolate pots.

Dragonwagon Parsnip Nubbins with raw cranberry relish, dark greens and pecan pie.

On and on it went.  Wash, dry, plan a menu.  I enjoyed it immensely.  And then I poached an egg for supper, and sighed deeply over the ironing. For the truth is, June Clever never was my role model.  It was always Samantha from Bewitched.